fear is the heart of love.

moved.

Fri, 17 Apr 2009 09:09:27 GMT

BYEBYE NOTZILLA.

yes, everyone. because i have commitment issues when it comes to keeping an eljay, i have shifted. again.
http://freaakish.livejournal.com
is where you can find me now.

ive added mostly everyone because i have no social life and i therefore have time to lie on my bed, copy out eljay addresses into my notebook and then add everyone back myself.
but, i think i may have missed out a few so add me back on there if you want.

adios.

Thu, 16 Apr 2009 16:06:52 GMT

i dont get it.
if youre mad at me, tell me.
if youre annoyed with how i handled whatever it was, tell me.
if youre so irritated you feel like spitting in my face, TELL ME.
dont worry, im not made of glass. i can take it.

and if ive done something wrong, you know im not the kind to just ignore your feelings completely.
especially when you know id pretty much do whatever it takes to make you happy.
so. for the love of God. tell me.

brows.

Wed, 15 Apr 2009 18:18:50 GMT

hi everyone, i no longer have caveman eyebrows.

(yes i know i am a big fat vain bitch posing and everything but i dont care, im allowed to be a narc once in awhile.)

and this is for gen, ciwei and travis who insist on seeing my newly shaped brows.

(excuse the written-too-hard text on the previous page, i tried writing this out about thirteen times but was unsatisfied each time and i settled on this one cause i got anxious and this one looked the nicest.)

there you go guys, drink water please.

Wed, 15 Apr 2009 07:42:20 GMT

you know everytime i read that entry of yours, that boastful entry about how you think youre better than the entire universe that you think it gives you the right to be rude to people who were only nice to you for the sake of others, i feel like tearing your face out and kicking you a couple of times in the stomach.

you disgust me.
completely.

Mon, 13 Apr 2009 15:13:41 GMT

im going to take a break.
for awhile. two, three weeks. a month tops.

stay home, locked in the bathroom and save the thirty cents i have.
go out only to find leaves to roll into cigarettes.
or to go to the Adoration Room to sit for hours on end ignoring the rest of the world.
only talk to people online.

i dont want to have to explain to anyone but nat and hetty, im tired of speaking.
have a good month, everyone.
see you all soon.

HEY GUYS.

Mon, 13 Apr 2009 13:46:56 GMT

look here. its kc and me. as kc and me.
this is frightening, my own mother couldnt tell the difference. i kid you not.

awww.
love you kenneth christopher meals.

dimple.

Wed, 08 Apr 2009 21:17:52 GMT

i see the whole world when i look into her eyes, no matter her state of consciousness.
i feel the ground move beneath my feet when we touch, no matter the intensity.
i hear the oceans crash against the shore when she speaks, no matter the topic of discussion.

and insane as this feeling has become, she looks to me to find comfort in a friend.
im just afraid it'll all become too much for me to take and at the end of it all, ill lose her completely.
for there's only so much the human heart can take.
i know im not one to let it all hang above my head like a giant cloud about to rain on my parade, and this is why there are two options :

1. let it go, turn the other way and push this feeling so far out of my mind, i forget her face whenever she's not around.
or
2. risk it all to tell her how much of an impact she has on my life.

if you ask me, none of the two choices ive stated up there sound in the least bit appealing.
so i guess im screwed.

---a-.

Sat, 04 Apr 2009 19:08:31 GMT

ill find you somewhere, show you how much i care.

hoping i sound as unconceited as humanly possible, i want to say that i think im starting to care too much about some things. once in awhile, i invest all i have in people who are sometimes undeserving, only to be thrown into a pit of hungry lions, left to fend for myself.
i get lost easily. i give in too eagerly.

its becoming increasingly difficult to understand myself sometimes, and i end up feeling like the shell of an extremely unmotivated human being.
i am cut against the grain, countless times. sore, defeated, scarred. flung into walls of thorns. i emerge beaten down, tired and still, smiling through all my effortless failures. with perseverance and a whole lot of willpower i didnt know i had, ive learned to take most things in my stride.

all thats been happening recently, though, is a little new to me. and it seems the more i try working out the kinks, the more often i get bruised by the things that happen around me, the circumstances i have to face.
this is where i begin to end, when i realise i care too much.

and the world, it spins madly on.

unknowingly, you have become a force that drives me.
there's the push, and then there's the pull. and ultimately, the destination, which may very likely, be you.
for reasons i cant explain or justify, i would brave the world for you.
id fight you, id fight for you.
(she may be all that, she may be cute as a button. but never, will she feel for you all that i feel.
never, would she risk it all, just to have you near, like i would.
never would she care for you and understand all the things i hold in my heart for you.)

i never imagined you meaning this much, but you do.
you do, and you will.

she is.

sun down.

Fri, 03 Apr 2009 17:27:04 GMT

ill tell you quite honestly, i find it kind of remarkable how you find it in yourself to continually make a mockery of her, when youre not so different yourself.
you have such a strong dislike for her that sometimes it worries me how much hate youve collected over the last months, cause that makes me wonder how much hate you possess.
you are snide in your comments/replies whenever i bring her up, you never want me to speak about her.

and yet, in an instant i realised,
youre almost exactly all the things you hate about her, wrapped up in a different body.

and that is the most disappointing thing about this, cause i thought you were special.

michaela therese.

Tue, 17 Mar 2009 18:48:48 GMT

surely, there is no local artist more amazing than my sister.

Fri, 13 Mar 2009 20:34:23 GMT

for the entertainment of the world, i proudly present donnamae and ciwei.
enjoy.
and laugh at us cause we laughed at us too.

this kid is adorable.

Fri, 06 Mar 2009 18:21:33 GMT

junk.

Tue, 03 Mar 2009 15:34:18 GMT

she wants to take all her thoughts and discard them. throw them into the folder titled "junk" and only allow their escape when her heart's feeling less sick. i think she needs to take a long stroll in the rain. for the rain is cleansing, no?
it washes away every bad feeling, every dream thats turned its back on her and become a nightmare.

"can you feel that? my heart's racing." she thought, gazing over her shoulder. she looked deep into the shut eyes of the girl she lay beside, the girl who's soul rested slightly too far from her own. her heart pounding in her chest, longing to reach out and just touch her.
and then her mind wanders back to her constant girl, the one she's been trying not to think about.
"what am i doing here? what am i doing?"
again, the battle of right and wrong pull on her heartstrings. she begins getting nervous, her ocd surpassing normal standards. and then, a simple touch. she looks over to the beauty on her left, and stops to focus on their arms that somehow, seem to be linked.
a great sense of warmth fills her, accompanied by confusion and an intensified anxiety.
"i could feel so much more for you, i just dont know how to."

flat.

Sat, 28 Feb 2009 10:48:15 GMT

the most depressing thing to happen to me in weeks :

my house is almost out of chocolate.

what do i do what do i do what do i do.
im going to go on a scavenge for chocolate, anywhere i can find it.
and im open to donations, so please feel free.
spread the word to the general public, donnamae needs her daily dose of chocolate please thank you.

she is,

Mon, 09 Feb 2009 21:33:02 GMT

so keep it coming and the details quiet.
she's like a ghost that keeps you up all night.
and she'll be a secret you can keep.

keep me,
keep me.

gen, van, ciwei, gerri.

Mon, 12 Jan 2009 18:13:14 GMT

i want to say thank you, again. for being my strength last thursday.
no, i didnt build my life around the idea of her and me, thats not why i crashed so hard.
it was just overwhelming. and all too sudden to deal with on my birthday.

i know you guys were just being the awesome people you are.
and im so grateful.
id be completely lost without your guidance.

love you.

sense of relief,

Fri, 17 Oct 2008 07:16:46 GMT

THANK YOU LEONIE.

because my numberone doesnt have a livejournal account.

Wed, 10 Sep 2008 12:28:12 GMT

hello marcus. you are my hero.

i dont care what you say, do, have to go through, have screwed up before, do illegally (hahaha), etc, i will always love you more than you know.
be happy.
or ill smash you.

all my love always and forever and ever Amen,
your numbertwo.

havent done this yet, so enjoy.

Sun, 24 Aug 2008 10:17:51 GMT

PUBLIC POST
Post anything that you want here, and post it anonymously. A story, a secret, a confession, a fear, a love, what you think of me, your parents, boyfriend, anything. Just make it honest. Make sure to post anonymously and honestly. Post as many times as you'd like. Then, put this in your LJ to see what others have to say.

Taken off natdiego
IP addresses will not be locked

not locked, for gerri's benefit.

Thu, 24 Jul 2008 16:40:58 GMT

youre going to kill me but i swear this is SO worth it, dude.

thank you, for this gerri.
thank you for finding it, ciwei.
this is awesome. i love it.

bothered.

Mon, 14 Jul 2008 03:44:48 GMT

bill's not paid again, so i cant message or call out. till about tomorrow. or wednesday.
whichever i dont care right now.

i think its a loss of interest. and i dont really understand that.
what the hell am i doing wrong.
DO YOU KNOW YOU ARE STRESSING ME OUT, MISS.
(woah, have not been this angst in awhile, i think i might need to swing for a couple of hours.)

so, i couldnt talk about yesterday well, yesterday, cause it was just all too much and i decided to postpone it.
in a nutshell, yesterday was dreadful. right up till about ten at night.
thing is, i hate goodbyes. especially when im the one who has to deal with the emptiness later on.
david and leonie left in the afternoon and im surprised at how upset i am. i mean i knew id cry and do the whole "what am i going to do now?" thing, but i honestly didnt expect to feel hollow after sending them off. its cliched, i know, but you really dont know what youve got till it takes a plane to australia (by the way, i despise that country with a passion). no more leonie at choir. no more david at choir. no more david at anything else, for that matter. stupid, lousy australia.
anyway at night it was time for another farewell. daryl's. but ally and me were too late and had to say bye over the phone (which i now realise was the perfect thing cause it saved me alot of tears). and therefore, to ease our pains, we had coffee at the airport. and dessert. and laughing, lots of laughing. catching up really. so basically, good old ally and donn time. finally.
and it was the best remedy for my emo day. and i actually talk too much cause this entire thing was to say thank you to ally for always being there when i need her, even when i dont need her, and especially when all i want is to sit and sink.
love you always, ally.

and now im going to be angry at the wall cause i cant possibly tell you how much youre bothering me.

best weekend.

Sun, 13 Jul 2008 11:49:01 GMT

seriously, it topped most other weekends majorly.
therefore i will not ruin it with descriptions and stories, and let pictures do the talking.

eyebags.

i tripped a little.

awesome, love our hats.

and then there was ally's birthday dinner on saturday night that i went for looking like a dying animal.

random meeting. (:

hahaha.

eventually, this is all ill need.

lets take another one please, ally. one where i dont look like a twat.

love these boys.

kthanksbye, everything else is up on facebook.
enjoy.

again with the pictures.

Fri, 11 Jul 2008 12:48:31 GMT

there are a hundred and five pictures, you guys. but not all are up on here. everything will be on facebook when im done here.
enjoy.

"in honour of you, donn."

juli.

PUFFY FACE! haha. love it, gwen.

van vomits, marisse and donn help, gen photographs it. ciwei is nowhere to be found.

always the glamour queen, marisse. always.

dont remember this.

or this (haha!).

definitely dont remember this.

i have a fat face im so fucking excited.

one of the million pictures i have with and of gen. apparently she gets very photogenic when we're high.

see my kc face? love it.

open your eyes, loser.

marisse? kissing me? wow im like the luckiest girl in the world.

controlled laughter.

HAHAHA this is the best picture of all time.

remaking the marco and owen moment.

this time, with cheez's finger.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. awesome.

pinky.

AWWW SO SWEET THIS IS WOW AWWW.

exposure, thank you.

only difference i see is michelle's dimples.

i actually genuinely like this picture.

WL (s).

fantastic, you guys.

too dark.

the perpetual "donn face" when im high.

good job, gen. im proud.

smiler.

hello rp.

im too short to take the upper halves of peoples' faces.

featuring gerri.

haha. effing classic.

i love you narene yong.

that took forever.
to ciwei's house (in awhile ish) i go!

because we get high.

BIG AWWW MOMENT.

Thu, 10 Jul 2008 08:11:35 GMT

biggie says:
im biggie
biggie says:
im a thug
distort. says:
im donn
distort. says:
im a fag
distort. says:
HAHAHAHAHA
biggie says:
fag = Fucking Awesome Girl
biggie says:
; )
distort. says:
AWWWWW

because im motherfucking bored.

Thu, 10 Jul 2008 03:29:36 GMT

a) Answer the questions below, do a Google Image Search with your answer, take a picture from the first page of results, do it with minimal words of explanation.
b) Tag 5 other people to do the same once you've finished answering every question.

1. The age you'll be on your next birthday:

2. A place you'd like to travel to:

3. Your favourite place:

4. Your favourite food:

5. Your favourite animal:

6. Your favourite color:

7. Your favourite piece of clothing:

9. Your favourite TV show:

WOOHOO!

10. First name of your significant other/crush:
haha, no way in hell am i answering this.

11. The town in which you live in:

12. Your screen name/nickname:

(distort)

13. Your first job:

14. Your dream job:
to be a camera.

15. A bad habit you have:

(i swear too much and talk too loudly)

16. Your worst fear:
i refuse to put up a picture of this but its being burnt alive.

17. The one thing you'd like to do before you die:

18. The first thing you'll buy if you get $1,000,000:

im really quite simple-minded.

and there you go, that took me too long to complete.
im exhausted now.